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… You might be a hazard

… You might be a hazard

Charles Caleb Colton said, “Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.” Well, Mr. Foxworthy, I hope you and all the fans of “you might be a redneck” consider this a sincere moment of flattery for you and the highly amusing comedy routine.

On the way home from work last night, I was reminded that if you ever wondered where all the idiots are at any given moment in time, I can tell you – they are on the road. And the number of idiots seems to go up exponentially the later in the evening it gets. So, without further ado, let me entertain you with … you might be a hazard.

If you believe that going less than 40 mph on a road that is clearly marked every half mile or so with a posted speed limit of 55 mph … you might be a hazard. If you are so tired or drunk that you think driving that slow makes your travel safer, you are wrong. If you are that bad a driver that you believe you make everyone else less apt to die at your hands by going slow, get off the road.

If you are so color blind that you can’t differentiate between the colors on a traffic signal … you might be a hazard. When the light is not only red but has been blazing red for seconds and you blow through the intersection, the only thing I can think is you must be so color blind you can’t tell the light has changed. Or you are just so stupid that you think several tons of metal at a high rate of speed will do nothing to the human body should it suddenly come to an abrupt stop.

If you believe it is your God-given right to use your high beams regardless of surrounding traffic … you might be a hazard. Believe me, blinding your fellow driver – whether it be from behind or as an oncoming vehicle – with your brights does nothing to make the roads safer. In case you are unaware, a blind driver is highly likely to not see you, a deer or even the side of the McDonald’s restaurant. (That little piece of advice is free. You can thank me later.)

If you think a constant speed is any speed other than reverse … you might be a hazard. Trust me folks, there is a reason car manufacturers made cruise control. It is not a safe practice to see how often you can bounce between 25 and 45 when the speed limit is 35 mph. And if the changing speed doesn’t eventually kill you, the other drivers you are irritating no end may just do so.

If you want to drive your car from my backseat … you might be a hazard. I never will understand the practice of tailgating. I mean if you want to know what radio station I am listening to, I can roll down my window and let you hear it. If you want to know what is in the grocery bags in my trunk, I will pull over and describe it to you in detail. While rubbing is racing on the track, I don’t think it is a safe practice on a city street.

All kidding aside, the roads are no place for idiots. If your driving habits resemble any of these, it’s time to place a higher importance on the lives of those around you. If you think driving is just something fun to do and you won’t ever hurt anyone … you might be a hazard. And trust me, the road is hazardous enough without you adding to it.

Doughnuts in the dark

Doughnuts in the dark


So, unless you are living under a rock – which might not be a bad place to be of late – you know there is this little celestial happening taking place on Monday. Now, don’t get me wrong I have nothing against a good solar eclipse every now and then. My problem is the craziness that ensues around it. No, not the mood swings of toddlers or the possible rampant explosion of women giving birth. I am talking about doughnuts here folks!

There is a cosmic confection conundrum among us that has me just a tad perplexed. It seems that many bakeries are offering special treats in honor of the eclipse. Now I am never opposed to someone running out a new flavor of doughnut. In fact, I don’t think there ever needs to be an excuse to eat a doughnut, make a doughnut, buy a doughnut – I think you get my point. My concern is this – why limit a delicious treat to being offered only one day? Do the sun and moon need to have a dance in outer space for you to offer me chocolate goodness? And why are you shaming me into eating doughnuts in the dark?

While the masses are cutting holes in shoe boxes or frantically looking to get a pair of those crazy shades, I am trying to figure out how I can purchase all the special “eclipse doughnuts” for myself. I mean in the amount of time most people are staring aimlessly at the sky I think I can eat a couple dozen of those round beauties. And I will not feel guilty about it at all. I will be eating in the dark only because the sun is playing peek-a-boo with the moon. I am not ashamed to eat my doughnuts in any atmospheric condition.

So on Monday if you buy one of those special doughnuts you might want to keep a close eye on it. Because while the darkness envelopes the land, my mouth might just be consuming your doughnut.

Hello world!

Hello world!

What do you get when you mix a slightly insane journalist with the World Wide Web? is the outcome.

Welcome to my website. I hope you enjoy your stay. There are complimentary chocolates on your pillow which you might want to eat before sleeping because I understand melted confections are quite difficult to get out of your ear. Feel free to call the front desk if you need anything. We won’t answer, but feel free to call.

In all seriousness, I have thought a long time about creating a website to give me a creative outlet for the nonsense that rattles around in my brain on a daily basis. So, away we go. Some of what I post may be silly. Other posts may be more serious in nature. I may touch on sports. I might ramble on about the heat, traffic or sunshine on a cloudy day. I might post links to music I like or that speaks to me. Not sure how often I will write, but I will write. There is just no telling what I might do, but that is the fun of having a website on which to pontificate.

I hope you will enjoy what you see and share the site with your friends. If you have ideas of what you might like to see or a topic you want me to address, let me know. Much like elected officials, I will ignore you but you can ask. I kid, I kid. I welcome your suggestions and comments. So without further delay – welcome to