The Battle

Before I lost the ability to think and have rational thought in college I studied a considerable amount about the human body in regards to athletes. One of the fundamental principles is the body can only be exerted so hard before it breaks. Joints are not made to be twisted in certain ways. Tendons and ligaments can only be stressed for so long before strucutal integrity is compromised. No matter the physical condition of an athlete the body can only do so much.

Don’t get me wrong – an athlete must train his or her body agressively so he or she is in the best physical condition. The better the condition an athlete is in the better chance he or she avoids injury. But, and this is a big but, prime physical condition doesn’t guarantee a body free of injury. Freak things still happen and the human body can be broken.

Now, I don’t know jack shit about the human brain. Sure, I used to know a little about the physiology of the brain and how it functions from a practical standpoint, but I have no idea how it works on an emotional level. I’m not sure there is any level of “conditioning” the human mind can undergo to prevent injury. And I certainly have no earthly idea how to keep your mind from undergoing the myriad of emotional traumas that a person faces in a lifetime.

The human body will warn you before it breaks down. Aches, pains, cramps, etc. are all signs that the body is being pushed past its limits. When ignored, injury is sure to follow. But what about the brain? Does it give you signs before it breaks? Emotional trauma can surface in different ways in each indvidual so it’s not like a simple shoulder soreness or hamstring cramp. So what is the sign the human brain is about to undergo a break?

I had an editor who I love dearly that warned her sports staff about what she was going to do if she saw the words “war of attrition” in another story. I get it – I was a sportswriter for a season and we tend to use words like battle, skirmish, frontline, war of attrition in our writing. There are some similarities between athletics and warfare when it comes to execution and preparation. So, in some ways, athletics is a battle between two sides each seeking victory. But what about the battle for the human mind?

When a volcano is about to erupt, the number of earthquakes in the surrounding area increase in frequence and intensity. It’s a sign that something catastrophic is preparing to happen. The body gives signs like this as well before it breaks. But, again, I have to ask does the mind do this? Do the number of panic and anxiety attacks increase? Does your anger become even more intense and out of control? Do the moments of sheer sadness and grief magnify?

I ask all these questions because I am in the midst of a battle for both my body and mind. While my wife was ill, I lost a considerable amount of weight. I was losing the battle for my body just as she was. Ultimatley, my wife lost the battle, dying at far too young an age. I am still waging my fight. I have regained part of the weight, but I’m still not healthy. I don’t sleep well. I don’t exercise at all. And while I am eating again, I still can’t say my diet is all that great. So the battle continues.

The frontline that is scarier is the battle for my mind. You see, grief is to the mind much like cancer can be to the human body. It attacks and it attacks hard. I doesn’t let up and the “cure” has yet to be found. As grief takes hold, the emotional well-being of the one suffering is in serious harm. Anger, frustration, sadness, stress, anxiety – all of these things are magnified as you try to cope with the grief of losing a loved one or some other traumatic event.

Like the earthquakes around a volcano, these emotional triggers can become more severe and happen often. In science, we have yet to find a way to keep the volcano from erupting. The best scientists can do is use the signs to help predict when it might happen. The question I have is as your mind starts to meltdown can you stop the traumatic from happening. Can you conquer grief before it conquers you?

At this point in my journey, grief is winning. And frankly the battle is not even close. Not one day goes by where grief doesn’t take more and more ground away from me. I’m in full retreat mode as the battle wages on. The signs that my mind is cracking under the pressure are there and increasing on a daily basis. I continue to pull back, hoping to find a safe place to regroup so I can wage a counterattack. Finding the strength to do so is difficult. But the one thing I do know beyond the shadow of a doubt is I have to find a way to fight back.

Athletes must train their bodies and seek peak physical condition if they are going to perform at the highest level. People seeking to live life to the fullest and with joy need to train their minds to be strong in the face of all of life’s adversities. What does this training look like? I have no idea. I could help an athlete improve their bodies, but I have no idea how to help train their minds – or mine for that matter.

So the battle for my mind wages on. Grief, pain, anguish, anger, stress, etc. on one side. The other side is my heart desperately wanting to enjoy the remainder of my life. And right now it’s a war of attrition. There will be a winner. The question for me now is simply this – which side will win?