… You might be a hazard

Charles Caleb Colton said, “Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.” Well, Mr. Foxworthy, I hope you and all the fans of “you might be a redneck” consider this a sincere moment of flattery for you and the highly amusing comedy routine.

On the way home from work last night, I was reminded that if you ever wondered where all the idiots are at any given moment in time, I can tell you – they are on the road. And the number of idiots seems to go up exponentially the later in the evening it gets. So, without further ado, let me entertain you with … you might be a hazard.

If you believe that going less than 40 mph on a road that is clearly marked every half mile or so with a posted speed limit of 55 mph … you might be a hazard. If you are so tired or drunk that you think driving that slow makes your travel safer, you are wrong. If you are that bad a driver that you believe you make everyone else less apt to die at your hands by going slow, get off the road.

If you are so color blind that you can’t differentiate between the colors on a traffic signal … you might be a hazard. When the light is not only red but has been blazing red for seconds and you blow through the intersection, the only thing I can think is you must be so color blind you can’t tell the light has changed. Or you are just so stupid that you think several tons of metal at a high rate of speed will do nothing to the human body should it suddenly come to an abrupt stop.

If you believe it is your God-given right to use your high beams regardless of surrounding traffic … you might be a hazard. Believe me, blinding your fellow driver – whether it be from behind or as an oncoming vehicle – with your brights does nothing to make the roads safer. In case you are unaware, a blind driver is highly likely to not see you, a deer or even the side of the McDonald’s restaurant. (That little piece of advice is free. You can thank me later.)

If you think a constant speed is any speed other than reverse … you might be a hazard. Trust me folks, there is a reason car manufacturers made cruise control. It is not a safe practice to see how often you can bounce between 25 and 45 when the speed limit is 35 mph. And if the changing speed doesn’t eventually kill you, the other drivers you are irritating no end may just do so.

If you want to drive your car from my backseat … you might be a hazard. I never will understand the practice of tailgating. I mean if you want to know what radio station I am listening to, I can roll down my window and let you hear it. If you want to know what is in the grocery bags in my trunk, I will pull over and describe it to you in detail. While rubbing is racing on the track, I don’t think it is a safe practice on a city street.

All kidding aside, the roads are no place for idiots. If your driving habits resemble any of these, it’s time to place a higher importance on the lives of those around you. If you think driving is just something fun to do and you won’t ever hurt anyone … you might be a hazard. And trust me, the road is hazardous enough without you adding to it.